I have been in Human Resources for more years than I would ever like to admit. My career has provided me with food, clothing, transportation, and shelter. As I travel and visit other companies I always pay special attention to the HR department. They are usually overworked, tired, and feeling unappreciated. But that is the lot of the HR Professional. We are the principal's office, the policy police, the operations obstacle course, or the huggy sensitivity trainers.  Most executives sum us up as simply a "Necessary Evil".  I kind of like that title in a twisted sort of way.  It is the equivalent of being a dentist, but at a significantly lower pay grade.  Nevertheless, we are "necessary" and that is a comforting thought.  I have never lost touch with the true reality that were it not for lousy employees, there would be no need for me. So at this moment in time I would like to thank all of the stupid, moronic, egotistical, and completely lazy employees who have provided me with a meaningful life and comfortable paycheck. And I say to all of you out there.... keep it up. If you need some guidance, here are some examples where thoughtfully horrible employees have provided me with meaningful job security.

To all of the supervisors who thought they found true love on the director’s desk at 3am with your new employee: Thank you! NOTE: Don't leave the condom in the boss’s trash can and don't think no one is watching the security videos.

To the employee who thinks it's ok to sign in their boyfriend who is off at the beach: Cool. Time card fraud is a good validation to keep the HR group around.

To the boyfriend who asked his girlfriend to clock him in while he was at the beach... Facebook postings of where you were (with photos) is a great way to get you both fired; which means more paperwork, which means the HR representative has something to do. Sincerely, thank you.

Speaking of Facebook, I want to encourage everyone out there to continue to express EXACTLY how you feel about the new dress code policy, the hot new receptionist, and the winner of the latest “manager moron” contest on your Facebook page. Be sure to have every conceivable person in the company listed as a friend and make sure they all get to contribute to your ramblings. This alone will provide your HR manager with enough overtime to put braces on their six year old (and not the cheap wire kind, the really expensive invisible ones).

A special thank you to the employees who think it's ok to give someone chocolate body paints with a card offering to "help reach the hard places" and a huge warm hug to the Kansas City office who felt that a voluntary office swingers group would be a good recruiting tool.

To the managers who think it's ok to ask a candidate about their weight, height, or how much they love their spouse; to the interviewers who think just because their applicants last name is O'leary, they will find your favorite beer joke funny; to the executives who think the cleaning woman should be willing to clean EVERYTHING; to the finance director who is running a robust E-Bay business from his company laptop; to all of you, I thank you for the fully paid for Mercedes SL550 Roadster.

The behavior of people in the workplace continues to amaze me. It's not like HR hides the policies and practices required of you. You know calling your sister in Bolivia is against company policy. You know vodka in your bottle of water is asking for trouble. I believe deep down inside each problem employee is a hidden understanding that if everyone did their job, earned their pay, and minded their manners, I would be poor. So long as there are employees, there will also be HR. Therefore, to each miscreant, problem child, annoying boss, and egotistical person in the company: Keep it up! My kid’s college fund is counting on you. 

Copyright © 2011 Mike Baumgartner | HR | Consulting | Coach |  Human Resources | Search - CEO, Worklife Survival Center LLC